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 David Clarks quarian application

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David Clark 61496



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Join date : 2016-07-30

PostSubject: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:14 pm

Steam Name:TMS KillerFrys
Steam ID:STEAM_0:1:95857571
Steam Profile Link:http://steamcommunity.com/id/EatTheFries/
Age:16
Rp Experience: I played all Mass Effect's except one (I broke the disk) And I have played many Rp Servers Like halo I owned one of them and I played FSAS Star wars rp for a while and I have a little bit of Nutscript Rp experience I forgot to mention thatt
How did you stumble upon our server?: I was dorking around on my gmod when I saw Mass Effect Rp which Is like my favorite game
Tell me a cool Mass Effect Fact: in one of the mass effect three endings you see the body of commander Shepard Breath

Character Name: Ozar Nar Nemara
Character Race: quarian
Why did you choose this race?: Out of all the races this was my favorite because they are very Intelligent  (And I fell in love with tali's Character)
Age:20
What can your character do for our ship?:Engineer, sniper, persuader,
Character Equipment: m92 viper,m-12 Locust, light wait armor, weapon repair kit, toolbox (with ,wrench, Screw driver, flathead screw driver, whetstone, knife,) Omni tool.
Moral Alignment: (Good,Neutral)
Strengths: Climbing and running, sniping, friendly
Weaknesses: poor upper body strength, , Frontline combat(Ozar is not trained for it) Too friendly (Gets Used a lot)
Character Backstory:Ozar was born on Nemara. His family were engineers for the Nemara reparing the engines. After reaching the age of 18 he was sent out to perform pilgrimage he has been gone three years looking for something valuble to Present to a captain of a ship to reach to full adulthood.
  He was in the citadel working as a thief stealing what he could survive. He was thinking of suicide because he cannot find anything to present to his captain to get home until he saw the sign up flyer for a Smuggler ship called the orian. He snook onto it but was later found and  was beaten  badly and thrown out. Ozar woke up to find his visor smashed and with a sore eye. He stumbles home to fix his visor before he got sick. Ozar fell over and finds a flier on the ground. He picks it up and reads it. It says that his father has passed.Ozar is temted to leave the visor broken so he could die of a natural cause so it doesnt look as bad.
      A man walked up and saw a close to death Quarian and dragged him home to fix his visor. Ozar wakes up too a strange room when his eyes start to focus he sees a man sitting in a chair the man  Says "Boy I fixed your visor you mind repaying me by serving in the earth's military and after that lets talk a little about what happened to your visor." Ozar joined the military to pay his debt and that is  were he was trained as a sniper. After a year in the military he was honorably discharged after being beaten almost to death by a krogan and put into a coma. After rehabilitation he was walking home form a Engineering lessons and saw a sign up flyer for a smuggler ship called the Geisha. He saw It and thought to himself "Ive fought for the military that got me nowhere close to home maybe this will"


Last edited by David Clark 61496 on Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:24 pm; edited 10 times in total (Reason for editing : i suck at writing thease things lots of probs i gotta fix)
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Russian Ivan

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Location : Russian Federation, Moscow.

PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:39 pm

+rep instantly.
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TheMightyDRGN

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Age : 20
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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:41 pm

i wish i could write applications as good as this one
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Darkstar_TG

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:42 pm

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East Clintwood

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:09 pm

Listen, I'm going to treat this like a serious app, whether it is or not. The backstory is non-sense, the weapons your character has are very vague, the strengths and weaknesses are not at all balanced, you say the character is a very good engineer, but the backstory only says the sniper trained your character only trained you on how to be a good sniper. By the way, there has to be MUCH more detail in the backstory, it's more akin to a middle schoolers' "I don't give a shit about this" project.

Now. You also need to work on grammar and capitalization. Your punctuation seems alright for now, if English isn't your first language, I understand, but it should still be worked on.

You also can't use David Clark as your character name, as since you've played the ME games, you know it's Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, so your name should be along the lines of Vas, and the name of your character's fleet, or, if you stick to your backstory, the name of your characters' slave camp.

I see that your RP background is relatively thick, but not in our field. Clockwork And NutScript RP is generally much more serious than StarWarsRP, HaloRP, stuff like that. I think with a little work you could fit right in.

I'm really shitty, so I can't teach you all this very well, but I can tell you the gist. Read some other apps and take some notes, work on your grammar, add some of the people who posted their apps and ask for tips, ask for tips, ask for help.

Good luck, and I hope you can re-write soon with the contents a bit more up to par, no offense.
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David Clark 61496



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:23 pm

I am very sorry I was really excited and rushed I changed a few things so can you take a 2nd look at it?
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Draymour

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:27 pm

Pal WE NEED a Story.. this is not a story more like one sentence of the character that doesn't explain When where how.. you need to make a backstory to your character stead of a sentence of your character.
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David Clark 61496



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:39 pm

Draymour wrote:
Pal WE NEED a Story.. this is not a story more like one sentence of the character that doesn't explain When where how.. you need to make a backstory to your character stead of a sentence of your character.
I apologize and thank you for commenting I have improved my bio please take a 2nd look at it
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Humpy
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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:42 pm

Backstory is way too short, need at least two or more paragraphs. You're not writing it as the character, you're writing it in the third person.

Spruce it up a little more and we'll keep it in consideration, pending for now until further notice.
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Filtershakes

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sat Jul 30, 2016 11:50 pm

David Clark 61496 wrote:

Why did you choose this race?: Out of all the races this was my favorite not to mention they are  very intelligent  (And I fell in love with tali's Character)

What about quarians do you find interesting?


Aside from that, it seems straightforward enough- don't think it's accepted just yet though. Maybe add a little bit to the backstory though- by the sounds of it the character is young and so wouldn't have a ton of history- but at least one small paragraph of their history would be nice.
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David Clark 61496



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Sun Jul 31, 2016 8:16 pm

I said it I like them for there Inteligence
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Tiberus

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:44 pm

their*
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Xenoxia



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:49 pm

Yes, it seems quite obvious that this person may not have the greatest of spellings or grammar; but that doesn't mean that those who have should be making fun of them for it.

However, if this is a troll; then gg.
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David Clark 61496



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Mon Aug 01, 2016 4:41 pm

I was up for 22 Hours when I wrote that I fell asleep at my PC
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Draymour

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Mon Aug 01, 2016 11:48 pm

Xenoxia wrote:
Yes, it seems quite obvious that this person may not have the greatest of spellings or grammar; but that doesn't mean that those who have should be making fun of them for it.

However, if this is a troll; then gg.

Its not a Troll, Me and East have been helping him with his app.
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Garmfield

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Tue Aug 02, 2016 7:37 am

I'm going to treat this like a serious application that hasn't been laughed at and made a meme out of on a very specific discord server or two.

Honestly, it seems like a pretty good application. Backstory is alright, cleaned up the IC section a little bit, but let me clarify something.

m92 viper, m-4 Shuriken,m-12 Locust

Locust SMG:
 

Shuriken SMG:
 

Both are SMGs. Now, I'm not judging you or anything for this, but I'm just pointing it out. If you want to have 2 SMGs, go ahead, knock yourself out, etc. Just found that part a little odd. Otherwise, I think this app gets my +support.
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Xenoxia



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:26 am

Garmfield wrote:
I'm going to treat this like a serious application that hasn't been laughed at and made a meme out of on a very specific discord server or two.

Honestly, it seems like a pretty good application. Backstory is alright, cleaned up the IC section a little bit, but let me clarify something.

m92 viper, m-4 Shuriken,m-12 Locust

Locust SMG:
 

Shuriken SMG:
 

Both are SMGs. Now, I'm not judging you or anything for this, but I'm just pointing it out. If you want to have 2 SMGs, go ahead, knock yourself out, etc. Just found that part a little odd. Otherwise, I think this app gets my +support.

Eh, I don't think it's that odd really; if you actually look at them you could argue that the Shuriken is just an automatic pistol; kind of like a Glock maybe. Where as the Locust fits the SMG bill much more precisely.
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Garmfield

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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Tue Aug 02, 2016 4:43 pm

Xenoxia wrote:
Eh, I don't think it's that odd really; if you actually look at them you could argue that the Shuriken is just an automatic pistol; kind of like a Glock maybe. Where as the Locust fits the SMG bill much more precisely.

;^):
 

It may say 'machine pistol', but the MP40 was called a 'machine pistol' but it wasn't a pistol. It was an SMG. That's why it's called 'machine pistol', because of the fire rate.
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David Clark 61496



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Tue Aug 02, 2016 4:50 pm

I looked up Mass effect Pistol and The shuriken showed up cause I couldn't remember the names of them but.. it might be a smg placed in the wrong spot
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Xenoxia



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PostSubject: Re: David Clarks quarian application   Tue Aug 02, 2016 5:13 pm

Garmfield wrote:
Xenoxia wrote:
Eh, I don't think it's that odd really; if you actually look at them you could argue that the Shuriken is just an automatic pistol; kind of like a Glock maybe. Where as the Locust fits the SMG bill much more precisely.

;^):
 

It may say 'machine pistol', but the MP40 was called a 'machine pistol' but it wasn't a pistol. It was an SMG. That's why it's called 'machine pistol', because of the fire rate.

Again, I said one "Could argue". Some interchange 'Machine pistol' and 'SMG' however, most do not (Simply because not all Machine Pistols are SMG's.). Also, I wasn't mentioning the term "Machine pistol" in what I said. What I'm saying is, if you actually LOOK at how the weapons look; the Shuriken looks like a pistol and is the size of a pistol; you could hold that shit in one hand. Where as the Locust doesn't and you wouldn't hold it in one hand, because it actually has a secondary grip. Infact, the Shuriken also has the same silhouette of most ME pistols and heavy pistols. (M-3 Predator for example.)

TheShuriken has a pistol grip and you hold it like a pistol. Locust has an SMG grip and you hold it like you would expect to hold an SMG.

The Beretta 93R is classified as a 'Machine pistol' but would you call THAT an SMG?
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