Whats going on here...
 
HomeHome  CalendarCalendar  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 Draymour's App

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Draymour

avatar

Posts : 15
Join date : 2016-05-25
Age : 17

PostSubject: Draymour's App    Fri May 27, 2016 5:38 pm

Steam Name:Draymour
Steam ID:STEAM_0:0:12747077
Steam Profile Link:http://steamcommunity.com/id/Draymour/
Rp Experience:7 Years
Tell me a cool Mass Effect Fact: Player feedback directly led to ME2's faster loading times.

Character Name: Lena'Vamme Vas Dathoria
Age:25
Race: Quarian
Gender:Female
What can your character do for our ship? (Muscle, Maintenance, Triggerman, Comedic Act, etc.): Combat Engineer
Character Equipment:Dual blades, Avenger, Indra, Predator
Moral Alignment: Neutral Good
Strengths:Her skills as an engineer, her Will to push on, and her Personalized Indra (Tallies)
Weaknesses: Immune system, Sometimes she would mess up when working on a something.
Character Backstory a.k.a. how or why are you here (One paragraph minimum, be creative!):
Lena was born in the fleet, Lena was happy during her ageing years.. When she was 16, her family was blamed for studying geth technology on her ship, which her family was only studying ship parts. The family denied and tried to give more evidence for their story. They failed to do so, Lena and her family was sent to exile.. They stumbled upon on a Small Mixed colony. When Lena was 20 years of age she met a Alliance Commander Named Jason Maverick. Jason was different then the other people in the mixed colony, as he didn't discriminate her just because she was a Quarian, yet he treated her like an ally. Jason helped her with military tactics, she did modify a few of the tactics she learned.. Her family pretty much didn't care, they let it happen during the whole thing. Though engineering was her most standard interest point, on the colony she would repair security mech's, damaged ships, mining equipment, and vehicles. Yet her job as a runner is known through the colony, usually she would take care of thugs and deliver packages to people on the colony. Lena was well known across the colony, the colonists now let her in as a friend.
Three years later, her family was later found dead in their home. Lena was torn from this she would hide herself from the public. Jason was there for her, keeping her company. Lena thanked Jason for staying with her for the past three months as she began to move away from the colony. She moved to omega where she worked as a runner there. Like usual Lena helped a merchant with his shop. Any damaged ships that would arrive on Omega she would help the repair team repair the damaged ship. Her time on Omega was miserable.. Usually she would have trouble with local mercenaries when she deliver's in their territory. For two years Lena stayed on Omega delivering messages helping the repairs on many equipment on Omega, yet for sometimes she would mess up and break the equipment she was repairing and would buy the same equipment for the person. She later gained enough money to move herself out of omega, so she did. When she arrived on the Oasis station, she later came across the Geisha. Lena would then send a request to join the crew of the Geisha, now Lena'Vamme waits for a response.


Last edited by Draymour on Sat May 28, 2016 12:25 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Filtershakes

avatar

Posts : 60
Join date : 2016-05-13

PostSubject: Re: Draymour's App    Fri May 27, 2016 7:26 pm

I'd like to suggest a few changes to this app. I can't approve/deny apps, but I would like to see your character make it in instead of being outright denied. That being said, I've got a few questions about the backstory and app:

-What role will Jason play in her story? He seems to be mentioned frequently. Do you plan to write an event with him?

-Why is she insane and why does she have a blood lust? These weren't explained in the backstory and I feel like they're out of place if unexplained or touched on beyond that.

-You've listed her skills as being an engineer, but she has quite a few weapons. Are these needed for the character, or are you intending them to be in a combat role? If so, are you aware of quarians nearly nonexistent immune systems?

-More could be added to her strengths/weaknesses category I think. Right now it feels very unoriginal, as "Nice and kind to their friends, cruel and savage to their enemies" is a very common trait, and while there's no problem with it, it doesn't say much about the character.

Hope these help and best of luck with the app! Smile
Back to top Go down
View user profile
[Legion]
Admin
avatar

Posts : 175
Join date : 2016-04-20

PostSubject: Re: Draymour's App    Fri May 27, 2016 11:25 pm

I cant accept this.

A.) Insanity is not an On/Off switch, which it seems your character has the ability to do.

B.) Insanity and Bloodlust doesnt seem to be a Neutral alignment traits.

C.) The app is really all over the place. Really hard to follow.

Take a few steps back and really put some thought into your character. Give them a story thats not

"Sometimes when she reaches the target the blood of the people she slaughtered will be still on her and her blades soaked in blood. After she kills the target, she would then clean the blood off of her, hence forth the Blood lust."

Denied

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://frontierind.forumotion.net
[Legion]
Admin
avatar

Posts : 175
Join date : 2016-04-20

PostSubject: Re: Draymour's App    Sat May 28, 2016 12:34 am

This was the fixes I was looking for. Welcome aboard.

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://frontierind.forumotion.net
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Draymour's App    

Back to top Go down
 
Draymour's App
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Frontier Industries :: No Mans Land :: MERP :: Applications :: Player Apps :: Accepted-
Jump to: